ABCC

My world changed forever when I was blessed with the birth of my daughter

Analiese Brianna Cruz Coppage

June 5, 2012 @ 7:40am

Weighing: 9lbs

Measuring: 21.5 inches



The words

Today I sit and wonder the reasons of yesterday. And although I should let things go to progress I beat myself up over the decisions I made yesterday. The actions I took. The reactions.

I'm not one to ever truly use excuses for I believe that they don't exist. Reasons maybe but an excuse is just a crutch people use when they can't accept fault on something they did.

Instead of turning to people I shall start, regain, my connection with words. Words that I've so silently forgotten and how I've hindered them frm being completely powerful and meaningful. I've silenced my own thoughts and words and finally in the midst of all the changes and understandings they are bursting at the seams coming out in ways that they were originally not intended and therefore become an extremity.

Today I faced my true insecurity. And I shall start this year by being honest with myself and others. Vocalizing my issues. My insecurities. My defenses. For I want change and nothing is going to change unless I start reacting and acting on things differently.

((((raw thought. I just want to say I'm truly sorry)))

I can't right now....b back later

The Initial Return

Its been a long time...
a long time since i felt the need to write - to post...to announce the stories of my life...

feeling like i need to get inspired again.
the intricacy of things that have happened in my life have lead me to distance myself from not only you but myself...

Time to regain.
So I will call this the Initial Return b/c i will be back again later.....

Is it....YES IT IS......

Too much on my mind...

Don't know where to begin...

Its ironic and quite horrible that we as humans pretend to learn lessons...we convince ourselves that we learn things...after the pain, the fall, the struggle...we get up...say "Wow I'll never repeat that" ....and still fall victim of the same things we coach our friends on...

When is enough enough???

Life has started to unravel...yet it gets knit together by the people we meet, the situations we put ourselves in, the struggles we face (whether they be controlled or not)....things just simply begin to make sense....its ironic how when one stops stressing, and worrying about the uncontrollable how simple life seems...

With all the turmoil and obstacles I still remain with a sense of inner peace...an inner peace that amaZes me...teaches me that I've grown...that I've changed...starting to completely appreciate the person I am and the person I'm becoming....

s.i.m.p.l.y.c.o.n.t.e.n.t.w.i.t.h.t.h.e.d.i.r.e.c.t.i.o.n.o.f.L.I.F.E

I struggle and I fall....but I rise and overcome....

"I am a woman I can do whatever I want"

the time has come...


"I, with a deep instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman" ~ Anais Nin

"I will not be just a tourist in the world of images, just watching images passing by which I cannot live in, make love to. Possess as permanent sources of joy and ecstasy." ~ Anais Nin

"I am an excitable person who only understand life lyrically, musically, in whom feelings are much stronger as reason. I am so thirsty for the marvelous that only the marvelous has power over me. Anything I cannot transform into something marvelous, I let go. Reality doesn't impress me. I only believe in intoxication, in ecstasy, and when ordinary life shackles me, I escape, one way or another. NO MORE WALLS." ~ Anais Nin

Anais Nin -how clearly you share the same feelings and emotions I am sharing....

I shall not limit myself to your standards - I shall build my own and break the walls to demonstrate that there is no limit to me...I.A.M.A.M.A.Z.I.G and desire MARVELOUS events....

Albert Einstein

"Sometimes in our relentless efforts to find the person we loVe we fail to
recognize and appreciate the people who loVe us. We miss out on so many
beautiful things simply because we allow ourselves to be enslaved by our own
selfish concerns. Go for the Man of deeds and not for the Man of words for
you will find rewarding happiness not with the Man you loVe but the man who
loVes you more. The best loVers are those capable of loVing from a
distance far enough to allow the person to grow, but never too far to feel the
loVe deep within your being. To let go of someone doesn't mean you have to
stop loVing, it only means that you allow that person to find his/her own
happiness without expecting him/her to come back. Letting go is not just
setting the other person free, but it is also setting yourself free from all
bitterness, hatred, and anger that you keep in your heart. Do not let the
bitterness rare away your strength and weaken your Faith, and never allow pain
to dishearten you but rather let yourself grow with wisdom in bearing it.
You may find peace in just loVing someone from a distance not expecting
something in return. But be careful, for this can sustain life but can
never give enough room for us to grow. We can all survive with just
beautiful memories of the past but real peace and happiness come only with open
acceptance of what reality is today. There comes a time in our lives when
we chance upon someone so nice and beautiful and we just find ourselves getting
so intensely attracted to that person. This feeling soon becomes a part of
our everyday lives and eventually consumes our thoughts and actions. The
sad part of it is when we begin to realize that this person feels nothing more
for us than just a friendship, we start our desperate attempt to get noticed and
be closer but in the end our efforts are still unrewarded and we end up feeling
sorry for ourselves. You don't have to forget someone you loVe. What
you need to learn is how to accept the verdict of reality without being bitter
or sorry for yourself. Believe me. You would be better off giving
that dedication and loVe to someone more deserving. Don't let your heart
run your life, be sensible and let your mind speak for itself. Listen not
only to your feelings but to reason as well. Always remember that if you
lose someone today, it means that someone better is coming tomorrow: If you lost
loVe that doesn't mean that you failed in loVe. Cry if you have to, but
make it sure that the tears wash away the hurt and bitterness that the past has
left with you. Let go of yesterday and loVe will find its way back to
you. And when it does, pray that it may be the loVe that will stay and
last a lifetime. There are two ways to live your life. One is as
though nothing is a miracle. The other is though everything is a miracle."

- Albert Einstein

the DEAFinition

::emotion: ....not necessary....::

through deaf ears you said you loved me...
through deaf ears you said you'd be there....
through deaf ears you said you'd never hurt me...

through deaf ears you said you hated me...
through deaf ears you said you'ld leave...
through deaf ears you said you were certain to hurt me...

through deaf ears you said hello...
through deaf ears you said she'd never be me...
through deaf ears you said you are my only...

through deaf ears your said goodbye...
through deaf ears you said she'd always be better...
through deaf ears you said i have many...

through deaf ears I heard you love me, you hate me
through deaf ears I heard I'll never leave you, I'm leaving
through deaf ears I heard I won't hurt you, I'm sure to hurt you
through deaf ears I heard Hello, Goodbye
through deaf ears I heard she'll never be you, because she's better than you
through deaf ears I heard You are my only, but I share me with many...


the deaf ears being Love[Fear]...

its time to truly start listening and realizing...Love is here - not because of what i do for you - not because I won't leave you - not because others aren't being what they once were...but because maybe because u simply truly honestly just love me....

.....These deaf ears become selective...selective hearing...of things I want to be there...not things that are there....to me it seems to simple...so clear....so consise...to me its just obvious...or did these deaf ears create cloudy eyes........................
'

"Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who
are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate" Sigmund
Freud

"Love is much like a wild rose, beautiful and calm, but willing to draw
blood in its defense." ~Mark Overby

coming back to you.....

::emotions: ....undescribeable::

"Just remember someone always needs you even when the person(s) you want to need you make you feel they don't need you"

Now - dissection time...

Need: lack of something requisite, desirable, or useful; a physiological or psychological requirement for the well-being of an organism (Webster's Dictionary)

I take it back to an older post - a post about needs and wants and how humans tend to not know how to decipher the two - here we are agian a few posts later still trying to figure out what exactly causes people to think they NEED somethign when in reality all they really feel is WANT

One needs: Food, water, oxygen ....to live...

But I just figured something out - one NEEDS someone else to feel - feel wanted - feel satisfied - loved - catered - nutured - desired - carressed - passionate - to be angry at - to blame - to hate (which is really love)...

Yup, that's right I said it...to know how to hate someone you have to learn and know how to love them first....

.....leaving this undone...