.......i still just want you
something is wrong with me
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Alone
I sit alone in my thoughts quite often....surrounded by a world full of people (some of which are technically close) but its like an out of body experience....where I'm watching myself blend and sit there communicating and partaking and just not really fitting....its lonely in this world. I've actually never been in this place...in a way its comforting bc its just me...the only person you can truly trust is yourself right...but in another sense its so completely lonely....
What am I doing? What are we doing? Honestly.....
pregnancy number 2.....these should be the happiest moments of my life. creating a life and bringing into the world a being a legacy that you love wholeheartedly and unselfishly a complete union of 2 people. yet these are the most terrifying stressful moments of my life....people really think that being physically present is enough....no man will truly understand the emotions the pain the mental that goes in carrying a child....alone yet again.....
i didn't ask for this. i didn't create this life alone. and no i don't want the pity and I don't want the sympathy.....
but how can you constantly contradict yourself? "its selfish of me to let you raise 2 children alone" yet i might go visit and be intimate with another female. yet its not selfish of me to not make a full commitment to be involved fully involved.....its like the same constant mistakes over and over in this relationship as well as other relationships. You claim you want something so different yet u do permanent things with temporary situations. Creating a family and children is permanent but apparently our situation seems to be temporary and treated as such b/c u just aren't ready.....you claim you won't be with her yet u talk to her everyday you act as a long distant boyfriend you fight you argue you want to visit...listen to yourself watch your actions how does any of this make sense...how can you expect people to let you go when you clearly don't let people go. with your constant hope...u may not intend it as such but your actions show it. I don't even think I kno who you are anymore and that's the hardest part for me.....bc the man i kno the man i fell in love with the man i love is way better than all this. is way more levelheaded mature and honest than that....or maybe it was a fantasy i created....but it can't be i've lived it i've experienced it. There is written proof that its not made up....just read the blogs look at the emails the pictures the text messages it just doesn't make sense....
Taty i never ever want you to feel unwanted.....well here we are a couple months later and I feel completely unwanted. i try and talk to you and you just shut out. no you want to have a conversation over text message b/c that's our style that's what we have done right? I express how it hurts me how it doesn't make sense and how it bothers me that you are continuing a relationship with someone you state you don't want their existence ever again...someone that tells you to drop dead...that changes their number and is too pussy enough to admit they changed it because they wanted to pretend they were done with you and what's your response? "i don't care"....exactly u just don't care....but if you really didn't care why do you talk to me everyday why do you continue to look at apartments why do you continue the intimacy why did you come back into my life fighting hard for your "family"...maybe its me being the fool allowing you back in as quickly as I did....willing to work with you...beleive in you in us and our family.....nothing makes sense anymore besides the fact that I feel so completely lonely.......
the tears that fall aren't just b/c im emotional and im a crier no they are real agony real pain real desperation to just alleviate myself from all the hurt the pain the disappointment the let downs....
sad part is....i still believe in you....
i play back everything we've been through your actions and the things you have said.....like when you said to me that when you read back my blogs they brought u to tears bc you couldn't beleive that you could cause that pain to me...that you love me.....that no one is better for you than me....that you never wanted to admit it bc u were scared but you always knew it was me that you wanted.....where did all that go? u claim feelings don't just disappear bc that's always your driving force but you talk and act as if those feelings are gone....that they just never existed they were a figment of my imagination.....
The vacancy that sat in my heart
Is a space that now you holdShow me how to fight for nowAnd I'll tell you, baby, it was easyComin' back here to you once I figured it outYou were right here all along
right? isn't that something you said...wasn't it you that felt a rush of emotions when you heard that song....wasn't it you that fought for me to come back to you completely....why bring me so fucking close just to break my heart again?????
i'm not invincible...i bleed...i cry...i hurt.... yes my love for you leads me to be patient and understanding and compassionate but fuck i'm human too....u kno pain oh so well so why put anyone through that again and again? i'm not a fucking stepping stool i'm not a trial and error i'm not a lesson to be learned and used to test your life out.......
i have been nothing but your rock but this rock is turning into pebbles.....
*noone will ever be me or love u like i love u and no one will ever stand by your side like i have...its been proven time and time again....everyone walks away*
What am I doing? What are we doing? Honestly.....
pregnancy number 2.....these should be the happiest moments of my life. creating a life and bringing into the world a being a legacy that you love wholeheartedly and unselfishly a complete union of 2 people. yet these are the most terrifying stressful moments of my life....people really think that being physically present is enough....no man will truly understand the emotions the pain the mental that goes in carrying a child....alone yet again.....
i didn't ask for this. i didn't create this life alone. and no i don't want the pity and I don't want the sympathy.....
but how can you constantly contradict yourself? "its selfish of me to let you raise 2 children alone" yet i might go visit and be intimate with another female. yet its not selfish of me to not make a full commitment to be involved fully involved.....its like the same constant mistakes over and over in this relationship as well as other relationships. You claim you want something so different yet u do permanent things with temporary situations. Creating a family and children is permanent but apparently our situation seems to be temporary and treated as such b/c u just aren't ready.....you claim you won't be with her yet u talk to her everyday you act as a long distant boyfriend you fight you argue you want to visit...listen to yourself watch your actions how does any of this make sense...how can you expect people to let you go when you clearly don't let people go. with your constant hope...u may not intend it as such but your actions show it. I don't even think I kno who you are anymore and that's the hardest part for me.....bc the man i kno the man i fell in love with the man i love is way better than all this. is way more levelheaded mature and honest than that....or maybe it was a fantasy i created....but it can't be i've lived it i've experienced it. There is written proof that its not made up....just read the blogs look at the emails the pictures the text messages it just doesn't make sense....
Taty i never ever want you to feel unwanted.....well here we are a couple months later and I feel completely unwanted. i try and talk to you and you just shut out. no you want to have a conversation over text message b/c that's our style that's what we have done right? I express how it hurts me how it doesn't make sense and how it bothers me that you are continuing a relationship with someone you state you don't want their existence ever again...someone that tells you to drop dead...that changes their number and is too pussy enough to admit they changed it because they wanted to pretend they were done with you and what's your response? "i don't care"....exactly u just don't care....but if you really didn't care why do you talk to me everyday why do you continue to look at apartments why do you continue the intimacy why did you come back into my life fighting hard for your "family"...maybe its me being the fool allowing you back in as quickly as I did....willing to work with you...beleive in you in us and our family.....nothing makes sense anymore besides the fact that I feel so completely lonely.......
the tears that fall aren't just b/c im emotional and im a crier no they are real agony real pain real desperation to just alleviate myself from all the hurt the pain the disappointment the let downs....
sad part is....i still believe in you....
i play back everything we've been through your actions and the things you have said.....like when you said to me that when you read back my blogs they brought u to tears bc you couldn't beleive that you could cause that pain to me...that you love me.....that no one is better for you than me....that you never wanted to admit it bc u were scared but you always knew it was me that you wanted.....where did all that go? u claim feelings don't just disappear bc that's always your driving force but you talk and act as if those feelings are gone....that they just never existed they were a figment of my imagination.....
The vacancy that sat in my heart
Is a space that now you holdShow me how to fight for nowAnd I'll tell you, baby, it was easyComin' back here to you once I figured it outYou were right here all along
right? isn't that something you said...wasn't it you that felt a rush of emotions when you heard that song....wasn't it you that fought for me to come back to you completely....why bring me so fucking close just to break my heart again?????
i'm not invincible...i bleed...i cry...i hurt.... yes my love for you leads me to be patient and understanding and compassionate but fuck i'm human too....u kno pain oh so well so why put anyone through that again and again? i'm not a fucking stepping stool i'm not a trial and error i'm not a lesson to be learned and used to test your life out.......
i have been nothing but your rock but this rock is turning into pebbles.....
they do say dont awaken a woman's heart unless you have full intentions of loving her. as well as don't do things to make a woman fall if you aren't willing to catch her.....
i really was finding my grounding completely and moving forward and letting you go.....why did you fight so hard to bring me back to you?
why?
just to feel so alone.
*noone will ever be me or love u like i love u and no one will ever stand by your side like i have...its been proven time and time again....everyone walks away*
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)