.....

.......i still just want you


something is wrong with me

Alone

I sit alone in my thoughts quite often....surrounded by a world full of people (some of which are technically close) but its like an out of body experience....where I'm watching myself blend and sit there communicating and partaking and just not really fitting....its lonely in this world. I've actually never been in this place...in a way its comforting bc its just me...the only person you can truly trust is yourself right...but in another sense its so completely lonely....

What am I doing? What are we doing? Honestly.....

pregnancy number 2.....these should be the happiest moments of my life. creating a life and bringing into the world a being a legacy that you love wholeheartedly and unselfishly a complete union of 2 people. yet these are the most terrifying stressful moments of my life....people really think that being physically present is enough....no man will truly understand the emotions the pain the mental that goes in carrying a child....alone yet again.....
i didn't ask for this. i didn't create this life alone. and no i don't want the pity and I don't want the sympathy.....
but how can you constantly contradict yourself? "its selfish of me to let you raise 2 children alone" yet i might go visit and be intimate with another female. yet its not selfish of me to not make a full commitment to be involved fully involved.....its like the same constant mistakes over and over in this relationship as well as other relationships. You claim you want something so different yet u do permanent things with temporary situations. Creating a family and children is permanent but apparently our situation seems to be temporary and treated as such b/c u just aren't ready.....you claim you won't be with her yet u talk to her everyday you act as a long distant boyfriend you fight you argue you want to visit...listen to yourself watch your actions how does any of this make sense...how can you expect people to let you go when you clearly don't let people go. with your constant hope...u may not intend it as such but your actions show it. I don't even think I kno who you are anymore and that's the hardest part for me.....bc the man i kno the man i fell in love with the man i love is way better than all this. is way more levelheaded mature and honest than that....or maybe it was a fantasy i created....but it can't be i've lived it i've experienced it. There is written proof that its not made up....just read the blogs look at the emails the pictures the text messages it just doesn't make sense....

Taty i never ever want you to feel unwanted.....well here we are a couple months later and I feel completely unwanted. i try and talk to you and you just shut out. no you want to have a conversation over text message b/c  that's our style that's what we have done right? I express how it hurts me how it doesn't make sense and how it bothers me that you are continuing a relationship with someone you state you don't want their existence ever again...someone that tells you to drop dead...that changes their number and is too pussy enough to admit they changed it because they wanted to pretend they were done with you and what's your response? "i don't care"....exactly u just don't care....but if you really didn't care why do you talk to me everyday why do you continue to look at apartments why do you continue the intimacy why did you come back into my life fighting hard for your "family"...maybe its me being the fool allowing you back in as quickly as I did....willing to work with you...beleive in you in us and our family.....nothing makes sense anymore besides the fact that I feel so completely lonely.......

the tears that fall aren't just b/c im emotional and im a crier no they are real agony real pain real desperation to just alleviate myself from all the hurt the pain the disappointment the let downs....

sad part is....i still believe in you....

i play back everything we've been through your actions and the things you have said.....like when you said to me that when you read back my blogs they brought u to tears bc you couldn't beleive that you could cause that pain to me...that you love me.....that no one is better for you than me....that you never wanted to admit it bc u were scared but you always knew it was me that you wanted.....where did all that go? u claim feelings don't just disappear bc that's always your driving force but you talk and act as if those feelings are gone....that they just never existed they were a figment of my imagination.....


The vacancy that sat in my heart
Is a space that now you holdShow me how to fight for nowAnd I'll tell you, baby, it was easyComin' back here to you once I figured it outYou were right here all along


right? isn't that something you said...wasn't it you that felt a rush of emotions when you heard that song....wasn't it you that fought for me to come back to you completely....why bring me so fucking close just to break my heart again?????

i'm not invincible...i bleed...i cry...i hurt.... yes my love for you leads me to be patient and understanding and compassionate but fuck i'm human too....u kno pain oh so well so why put anyone through that again and again? i'm not a fucking stepping stool i'm not a trial and error i'm not a lesson to be learned and used to test your life out.......



i have been nothing but your rock but this rock is turning into pebbles.....

they do say dont awaken a woman's heart unless you have full intentions of loving her. as well as don't do things to make a woman fall if you aren't willing to catch her.....

i really was finding my grounding completely and moving forward and letting you go.....why did you fight so hard to bring me back to you? 

why?

just to feel so alone.

*noone will ever be me or love u like i love u and no one will ever stand by your side like i have...its been proven time and time again....everyone walks away*

So much has transpired since I last laid my fingers on the keyboard.....I'm constantly thinking about how much I miss writing and how much I truly need it. But I keep making the sad excuse that I just don't have time. The reality is that these words are the purest words that sometimes they scare me to reread and see exactly how I was feeling and the reality of situations.

I'm tired.

But this time its a different type of tired.

I know I've said it in the past but the reality is that I've done nothing about it (and yes it is my own fault - no one to blame but myself)

But world, I think I'm honestly reaching that point.

I was naive (still) to think that progression with himself would lead and mean progression within us.

And yes certain things have gotten better but just maybe his words may be true.

It will never be progression for me or me getting what I want and deserve.

I should just walk away and throw my hands up in the air knowing that I gave it all i could.

And its not my fault that he wasn't able to see or make the changes necessary to make us truly work.

I guess it comes down to the simple desire of not wanting to.

So why am I still holding on???

Good question.

I guess the hopeless romantic person in me still believes and still has hope.

Yes, I know, hope isn't enough. Facts have proven otherwise.

Well world, now there is a third party involved. One that didn't ask to be here and shouldn't pay for my mistakes - OUR mistakes.

So I think about her, I put all her needs before mine.

But I'm torn - is living with both parents in this situation a healthy situation for her? or would she be better off being raised and seeing her parents apart?

the answer: I JUST DON'T KNOW.

----silence-----

----no words-----

-----pensive------

I

Just

Don't

Know.....

time waits for no one so i guess i have to figure this out soon............

::::i'mstillhurtanddontknowhowtohandlethehurti'mfeelinglikeanacessorytohislifeasajustincase::::

just in case......?

damn....did i really just say that....

accessory....?

really?

are those words that should be used in a "relationship" regardless of how pseudo it can be....

its actually shameful and i would never accept this life for my daughter so why am I accepting it for myself...do i not see myself as worthy?

i want to wake up in the morning next to a man who loves me - cherishes me - not just provides for me financially - but a partner someone who will provide for me in every aspect of life....

the worst feeling it feeling alone in the presence of someone....

i know what i need to do and what i should do but I'm so scared absolutely terrified of taking that leap......

but again world....

I'm tired.

ABCC

My world changed forever when I was blessed with the birth of my daughter

Analiese Brianna Cruz Coppage

June 5, 2012 @ 7:40am

Weighing: 9lbs

Measuring: 21.5 inches



The words

Today I sit and wonder the reasons of yesterday. And although I should let things go to progress I beat myself up over the decisions I made yesterday. The actions I took. The reactions.

I'm not one to ever truly use excuses for I believe that they don't exist. Reasons maybe but an excuse is just a crutch people use when they can't accept fault on something they did.

Instead of turning to people I shall start, regain, my connection with words. Words that I've so silently forgotten and how I've hindered them frm being completely powerful and meaningful. I've silenced my own thoughts and words and finally in the midst of all the changes and understandings they are bursting at the seams coming out in ways that they were originally not intended and therefore become an extremity.

Today I faced my true insecurity. And I shall start this year by being honest with myself and others. Vocalizing my issues. My insecurities. My defenses. For I want change and nothing is going to change unless I start reacting and acting on things differently.

((((raw thought. I just want to say I'm truly sorry)))

I can't right now....b back later

The Initial Return

Its been a long time...
a long time since i felt the need to write - to post...to announce the stories of my life...

feeling like i need to get inspired again.
the intricacy of things that have happened in my life have lead me to distance myself from not only you but myself...

Time to regain.
So I will call this the Initial Return b/c i will be back again later.....

Is it....YES IT IS......

Too much on my mind...

Don't know where to begin...

Its ironic and quite horrible that we as humans pretend to learn lessons...we convince ourselves that we learn things...after the pain, the fall, the struggle...we get up...say "Wow I'll never repeat that" ....and still fall victim of the same things we coach our friends on...

When is enough enough???

Life has started to unravel...yet it gets knit together by the people we meet, the situations we put ourselves in, the struggles we face (whether they be controlled or not)....things just simply begin to make sense....its ironic how when one stops stressing, and worrying about the uncontrollable how simple life seems...

With all the turmoil and obstacles I still remain with a sense of inner peace...an inner peace that amaZes me...teaches me that I've grown...that I've changed...starting to completely appreciate the person I am and the person I'm becoming....

s.i.m.p.l.y.c.o.n.t.e.n.t.w.i.t.h.t.h.e.d.i.r.e.c.t.i.o.n.o.f.L.I.F.E

I struggle and I fall....but I rise and overcome....

"I am a woman I can do whatever I want"

the time has come...


"I, with a deep instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman" ~ Anais Nin

"I will not be just a tourist in the world of images, just watching images passing by which I cannot live in, make love to. Possess as permanent sources of joy and ecstasy." ~ Anais Nin

"I am an excitable person who only understand life lyrically, musically, in whom feelings are much stronger as reason. I am so thirsty for the marvelous that only the marvelous has power over me. Anything I cannot transform into something marvelous, I let go. Reality doesn't impress me. I only believe in intoxication, in ecstasy, and when ordinary life shackles me, I escape, one way or another. NO MORE WALLS." ~ Anais Nin

Anais Nin -how clearly you share the same feelings and emotions I am sharing....

I shall not limit myself to your standards - I shall build my own and break the walls to demonstrate that there is no limit to me...I.A.M.A.M.A.Z.I.G and desire MARVELOUS events....