So much has transpired since I last laid my fingers on the keyboard.....I'm constantly thinking about how much I miss writing and how much I truly need it. But I keep making the sad excuse that I just don't have time. The reality is that these words are the purest words that sometimes they scare me to reread and see exactly how I was feeling and the reality of situations.

I'm tired.

But this time its a different type of tired.

I know I've said it in the past but the reality is that I've done nothing about it (and yes it is my own fault - no one to blame but myself)

But world, I think I'm honestly reaching that point.

I was naive (still) to think that progression with himself would lead and mean progression within us.

And yes certain things have gotten better but just maybe his words may be true.

It will never be progression for me or me getting what I want and deserve.

I should just walk away and throw my hands up in the air knowing that I gave it all i could.

And its not my fault that he wasn't able to see or make the changes necessary to make us truly work.

I guess it comes down to the simple desire of not wanting to.

So why am I still holding on???

Good question.

I guess the hopeless romantic person in me still believes and still has hope.

Yes, I know, hope isn't enough. Facts have proven otherwise.

Well world, now there is a third party involved. One that didn't ask to be here and shouldn't pay for my mistakes - OUR mistakes.

So I think about her, I put all her needs before mine.

But I'm torn - is living with both parents in this situation a healthy situation for her? or would she be better off being raised and seeing her parents apart?

the answer: I JUST DON'T KNOW.

----silence-----

----no words-----

-----pensive------

I

Just

Don't

Know.....

time waits for no one so i guess i have to figure this out soon............

::::i'mstillhurtanddontknowhowtohandlethehurti'mfeelinglikeanacessorytohislifeasajustincase::::

just in case......?

damn....did i really just say that....

accessory....?

really?

are those words that should be used in a "relationship" regardless of how pseudo it can be....

its actually shameful and i would never accept this life for my daughter so why am I accepting it for myself...do i not see myself as worthy?

i want to wake up in the morning next to a man who loves me - cherishes me - not just provides for me financially - but a partner someone who will provide for me in every aspect of life....

the worst feeling it feeling alone in the presence of someone....

i know what i need to do and what i should do but I'm so scared absolutely terrified of taking that leap......

but again world....

I'm tired.

ABCC

My world changed forever when I was blessed with the birth of my daughter

Analiese Brianna Cruz Coppage

June 5, 2012 @ 7:40am

Weighing: 9lbs

Measuring: 21.5 inches



The words

Today I sit and wonder the reasons of yesterday. And although I should let things go to progress I beat myself up over the decisions I made yesterday. The actions I took. The reactions.

I'm not one to ever truly use excuses for I believe that they don't exist. Reasons maybe but an excuse is just a crutch people use when they can't accept fault on something they did.

Instead of turning to people I shall start, regain, my connection with words. Words that I've so silently forgotten and how I've hindered them frm being completely powerful and meaningful. I've silenced my own thoughts and words and finally in the midst of all the changes and understandings they are bursting at the seams coming out in ways that they were originally not intended and therefore become an extremity.

Today I faced my true insecurity. And I shall start this year by being honest with myself and others. Vocalizing my issues. My insecurities. My defenses. For I want change and nothing is going to change unless I start reacting and acting on things differently.

((((raw thought. I just want to say I'm truly sorry)))

I can't right now....b back later